“Lad Scientist” Makes Perpetual Breakthrough

Exxon Mobil, General Motors, Fed to launch Free Energy Plan using 12-year-old’s invention

Last updated 10:28 pm, January 19, 2015 

Rugby, N.D.

In a town famous for being the geographical center of North America, the people of Rugby North Dakota are now faced with being the center of attention. Everywhere you look, camera crews and network trucks are setting up camp, and the excitement on Main Street is palpable. What's all the fuss about? The hoopla is centered around a local middle school science fair. This is where seventh grade student Danny Yurkin, a student at McKinley Junior High has come up with an invention that is rocking the foundations of modern science. From this day forward, Rugby N.D. will most certainly go down in history as the place of the greatest scientific breakthrough since Einstein shattered the atom.

His invention? A perpetual motion machine designed to run an automobile “for as long as the tires have treads”.

In addition to the hoards of reporters, scientists from Harvard, Berkeley and Canada have already descended upon this small town to get a glimpse of the invention, which has been kept behind closed doors for the time being, while school officials and the student’s parents entered into talks with big-wigs from Exxon, GM, the Fed and a select few from the scientific community. The latter were brought in to observe the findings of the young inventor, first discovered by his science teacher Colm Campbell who was overseeing the annual science fair assignment last November.

"At first I was skeptical – I mean, I think all kids dream of perpetual motion cars – I know I did, when I was young – and, well I ain't no millionaire!” said Mr. Campbell. But he said it was only a matter of time before he’d come to see just how revolutionary young Mr.Yurkin's project actually was. “I couldn't believe my eyes! To see such a work of genius, of pure logic and incredible vision for the benefit of mankind – all from a kid,” adding “It’s really humbling.”

Now, it’s not just his teachers in the sleepy town of Rugby, but scientists from around the world who have so much to learn.

From the halls of the Hub Motel where a press conference was assembled early on the morning of January 13th, scientist and physicist Joel Tainter said “To think that a young student could come along and school us so completely. It truly is astounding!” But if there was a tone of excited anticipation, there was also an undercurrent of disgruntlement brewing the longer the crowd waited. Some scientists were growing impatient outside the locked doors of the conference room.

“This is the holy grail for us. It’s profoundly unjust to deprive the scientific community of what is clearly the greatest breakthrough any of us are going to see in our lifetime” said Devin Marcellus who has been developing cold fusion technology for the past 45 years.

“I’m very keen to see it,” said Noah Kawasaki, physicist from Alberta, “I have been dreaming of perpetual motion since I was 10. To think that I will actually live to see it come true is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Every minute that goes by without perpetual motion now seems excruciating!”

When the doors to the conference finally opened, a crush of reporters, video crews and camera men surged into the hall. All focus was on a stunned Danny Yurkin. Everyone in the room had one question on their minds: just how did this boy come up with the answers that have stumped modern science for centuries? The boy had this to stay: “I wasn't so much into science. I just like cars and stuff. Plus my dad lost his job. I thought it would be cool not to have to pay for gas anymore.”

Sources from the boy’s family confirmed his father’s loss of employment as a horizontal drilling rig operator. His grandmother claims it was then the boy started to dream about a future America where energy was free, and independent from oil.

When pressed on the matter, it was NASA’s Todd Murphy official scientist for the Free Energy Plan who fielded the question: “One look at his ingenious design and you’ll wonder why no one has ever come up with this before- it’s deceivingly simple”. Adding that for proprietary reasons, the invention would not be unveiled that day. 

When asked whether it was a conflict of interest to have Exonn-Mobil heading the partnership, the spokesperson from Exxon Hubert M. Roy spoke of the importance of the corporation’s role in solving the problem of peak oil and climate change, and make them issues of the past.

It appears that even before the news of Danny Yurkin’s invention broke, both Exxon and GM had entered negotiations with the boy’s teachers and parents, prompting some to worry that the invention will never see the light of day. But with the fracking industry in a quagmire, there’s reason to believe otherwise. ­­­­­­­­­­­Mr. Roy reassured the public at the press conference, saying that in collaboration with GM and the Federal Reserve, ExxonMobil would lead America to prosperity and independence thanks to the boy genius from Rugby. “After all, something has to fill the void left by the slumping production numbers in shale oil and the soaring number of job losses in the Bakken region”.

Disorder Erupts

The press conference was cut short by security when a gang of protesters disrupted proceedings shouting “it’s too good to be true” and handing out a leaflet from a group calling themselves “The Green Wizards Of America”. Spokesperson Johnny McGrier proclaimed that the environment is still in as much jeopardy as ever and that perpetual motion is against the laws of physics.

In the midst of the disruption, Yurkin, scientists and industry leaders were seen laughing with reporters as they were whisked away by security forces. Corporal Lt. Charles Keaton of the ND State Police force said it had become clear that tensions were only going to mount. No one was arrested.

A spokesperson for Gov. Jack Dalrymple's office expressed disappointment with the trouble-makers, saying "There's always got to be someone who wants to spoil the party".

Liberal politicians denied any association with the rabble saying that they “distance themselves completely from any and all wizards”, adding that they were totally for the scientific breakthrough, echoing sentiments expressed earlier by President Obama.

That morning, the president chimed in from the Oval Office: “I somehow knew all along that through the wishful thinking of our youth and our legacy of technological know-how, America would prevail. It appears now that we truly will rise above the competition and lead the way onward and upward, with perpetual motion.”

  

Exxon Mobile issued a final statement later explaining that a further presentation of the perpetual motion machine and the Free Energy Plan for America would be unveiled in Detroit once a working model of the boy’s invention was assembled by the engineers at GM.

A spokesperson from NASA confirmed that they have entered the partnership and are planning to look into the invention’s applications for space travel, particularly in the area of physics known as escape velocity.